I decided on going on last night.. because.. I’m not me if I don’t go out when there were 4 awesome shows I wanted to see. So I went to all 4..

Started out at Treehouse for Desi & Cody. They were really happy to see me & got to see an old friend from high school too. Was surprised only 1 of the Taddy Porter guys saw me & said hi, but I kicked Andy on my way out & gave him a hug too.

Went over to Red to watch The Sex. Caught their whole first set, which is the best-sounding set since they’re not drunk yet. :) I’m glad I went to see them because it was fun watching Cody rock out & I loved seeing Brandon. He called me A-bar or something like that. I was like, “Is he talking to me? uh.. hi.” Cue shout-out from Cody too. Shout-outs just make me feel special. :)

Went back to Treehouse to catch some of Taddy Porter. Only got to see maybe 3 or 4 songs before I had to leave for PDA’s show.

I missed all the midnight celebrating/kissing because I was driving from one bar to another.. but I kinda didn’t mind. I didn’t have a new year’s kiss anyway. The only chance of one might’ve been Perry. But, at DTL.. I honestly would’ve ended up kissing Danielle after she kissed Billy. haha.

PDA started late. (could’ve watched more Taddy Porter) and then there were technical difficulties (blew a speaker mid-set). I’m always begging him to play longer sets but he refuses to play over 40 minutes.. until the night I still had another show to go to.. He played FOREVER! And it was so fucking hot in that venue.. I had a sinus headache that had been getting worse & worse all night. Somewhere mid-way through his set, it all hit me. The heat, the headache, the sickness.. I felt like I was going to pass out and/or puke. I did neither, thank God. But I was fanning myself & drinking water.. hoping he’d stop playing so I could go outside. I’ve never EVER wanted PDA to stop playing before. That’s how bad I felt. I cut out before he was all the way done to get tylenol from Lilly. Then I rushed to Hunt Club for Able the Allies bc they put me on their guest list so I didn’t want to not show up (plus, I love them).

Hunt Club was past taking cover anyway. Everyone was wasted, including the band. And they were all dressed up, looking a little like Catholic school boys. They only had 2 songs left by the time I got there, but there was an open seat near the stage. yay! So I sat down & drank more water, trying to act like I didn’t feel terrible. They didn’t even notice. They were just happy to see me. (more shout-outs!) Eric was the MOST happy to see me.. and the drunkest. He said “I want to make-out with you right now.. then got uncomfortably close. haha… wow. I wanted to talk to the boys after their show, but they were all pretty drunk & there were a ton of drunk people hanging around still so I just peaced out & went home to bed.

I woke up today with no hangover.. (duh.. since I didn’t drink) but still feeling about as alone as I did last New Year’s Day. I feel like PDA didn’t even care if I showed up last night or not. He didn’t even say hi when I showed up.. I know he was busy trying to get the show started. But maybe smile at me? I texted him after I left.. to no response. He’s probably mad I left during his set. At least I didn’t puke on his shoes.

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Last New Year’s Eve ended with me & PDA in a huge fight.. lots of yelling, me crying, him driving off drunk.. Then I was left drunk with no ride home & all my friends long gone. I sat in my car with the keys out of the ignition for hours to try to sober up as much as possible. When I was so cold that I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore, I drove to my apartment on back roads, hoping not to get pulled over.

New Year’s Day was even worse than the previous night. I was in a depressed state. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was mad at the world. All my friends kept calling to check up on me but I didn’t answer the phone. I couldn’t. I knew that I was angry at these people for no reason. I felt like everyone abandoned me the night before. But I had chosen to stay in the bar after hours with my rapper. They left when I turned down the rides from multiple DDs. So I didn’t answer the phone partly because of anxiety but also because I knew I’d say hateful things to people that didn’t deserve my anger.

So I spent the day alone in bed, trying to recover. But I didn’t really recover at all.. that was the beginning of me pushing everyone away. There are a lot of days I don’t answer phone calls or texts now, for no good reason. Because I can’t.. or I don’t want to. I’m not ok. Sometimes I just don’t show up to shows I was planning on going to.. because I don’t feel like it. I think my friends have gotten used to it, because no one bothers to check up on me anymore really.

It’s gotten to the point that I don’t know who to call on days like today. I’m feeling depressed & helpless again. I’m remembering how I felt last year & it scares me. I don’t want to feel that way again. So I’m considering skipping the festivities tonight.. but will that help or hurt me more? Then I’ll be alone today AND tomorrow. But I can’t see it history not repeating itself here.

The exact same bands I saw last year are playing this year again.. the same people are going. As much as I want to choose a completely different setting that I know will be different from last year, I don’t have it in me to go out & skip seeing my rapper. But I can’t handle another New Year’s alone.

All the signs are pointing me to think I should just stay home. I have been fighting off a cold for weeks that has finally caught up to me. And I have been angry for 2 days straight because I’m always the one helping others, but it feels like no one’s here for me when I need them. I’m angry at the world again. I can’t win.

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My rapper

P.D.A. and I have an interesting relationship. We love each other, we hate each other. We support each other, we challenge each other. We like all the same things, but have completely different tastes in everything. I miss him like crazy, but like that he’s not here all the time so we can catch up too.

We’re definitely family.. and now that we have been in each other’s lives for so many years, I don’t think we could live without each other. I think we’d pretty much do anything for each other.

That’s why it was so hard for me to NOT be able to come through for him tonight. I would have if he let me. But that’s not the person he is. He wasn’t going to take money from my pocket, even though I would’ve given it to him. I feel guilty that I let him turn down the money. Part of me wishes I would’ve lied to him & not told him I was short on money tonight. Just put on a smile & given him his guarantee without letting him know what was going on. But we don’t lie to each other. Even when he tries to lie to me, it’s always about something dumb.. never anything important.. and I can USUALLY tell if he is lying. :)

I’ve seen PDA take care of his family & best friends.. and he’s stood up for me before. But he’s never had the chance to prove himself to me before like he did tonight. I knew I was like family to him, but I really know he’s got my back after that. He took care of me like I’ve seen him take care of his family before. That makes me love & respect him even more than I already did.

I will help him in any way I can for as long as he’ll accept my help. I will always support him & be honest with him, even if he doesn’t want to hear the truth. And next time.. somehow I’ll make it up to him.

Our relationship is such a rollercoaster. When we first became friends, it was very superficial. We were more acquantances than friends, mostly hanging at shows & parties. Then I became his assistant. He leaned on me more than I leaned on him for a while. Then the situation was reversed & I had to lean on him instead. Then we went through a time where we weren’t speaking followed by a rough patch where I think we both needed each other, but we couldn’t handle to take on anyone else’s problems but our own so we kept our distance. Now we’re both in a really good place. We lean on each other the normal amount. He’s probably the most stable friendship I have in my life right now. We’ve come a long way. And I’m so glad he’s in my life.

I feel very priveleged to be in his “inner circle” as Convy would say & that he’s let me in and shared so much with me. He’s not quick to trust people & let them in. He only lets people see what he wants them to see. But somehow I’ve wormed my way into his heart. I don’t take his trust for granted. I treasure the secrets he’s shared with me & all the unreleased music I get to hear. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I just hope he knows how important he is. :)

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